Hello friends. I was recently browsing the internet and I found this meme and totally agreed with the content. Those of you who know me know that I brew the finest mountain dew in Mayberry. I also enjoy the cold, Knoxville born refreshment known as Mountain Dew. I drink it like it is going out of style. When I venture into society and see people drinking Mountain Dew, all I see are troglodytes, hillbillies, and other forms of mouth breathers. No one I know that is a regular drinker of Mountain Dew has a life worthy of emulation. I'd venture to say that no regular Mountain Dew drinkers I know have a life worthy of examination. Except me.
I like pro wrestling. Love it; the athleticism, the pageantry, the drama, the competition, the story telling. I love riding the emotional roller coaster with my favorite wrestlers. You know what I hate? The other fans. I'm not like them. I am an adult with a respectable job, good family, home not a booger-eating moron who buys wrestling toys. Okay, I have two... and a shirt my brother bought me... and I pay $10 a month for the WWE Network. Don't lump me in with those people, because obviously I'm not one of them.
I went to Olive Garden tonight. If you've never noticed, Olive Garden shares the same clientele with Walmart. Sure, there are affluent soccer moms and businessmen in suits but Oliver Garden is mostly sweathogs. I'll tell you about three tables I saw tonight. The first was a mother and daughter. Mom complained about her bill but paid. As they were leaving, mom grabbed the daughter's togo fruit punch, pour her glass of white wine in, and started drinking it as they left. Nothing else needs to be said about that. The second table I notice was two very overweight people. They alternated between English and some other language I couldn't make out, which I should have because they were speaking so loudly. The man had an alcoholic drink with whip cream in the top of conical glass. The woman has a watermelon martini. Classy. The man put in his iPhone headphones halfway through his meal and continued to talk to his wife. He then got a call and listened through the headphones but kept holding his mouth to the phone, to the microphone on the headphone cord. The last table consisted of a handsome couple. The man took his breadstick and wiped up the salad dressing. After eating the breadstick he discreetly licked his fingers to get the garlic salt. He picked the tomato, olive, and pepperoncini out of the salad by hand straight from the bowl. His entree was chicken parmigiana, also known as Italian fried chicken. Typical sweathog.
I am that last man at Olive Garden. You are too, maybe not at Olive Garden, maybe you're not a wrestling fan, maybe you don't drink Mountain Dew, but you are a regular cuss just like the rest of us. We all think we're the exception to the rule. We're all of above average intelligence, looks, driving ability, penis size, personality... A recent study found that 93% of teenage drivers feel that their driving is "above average". You can call it the Lake Wobegon effect, illusory superiority, whatever you will. Day-to-day, I view myself pretty highly but it isn't until I sit back and think that I tear myself down to sweathog levels. What I need to do is stop viewing a lack of sophistication is a negative thing. I know how to listen to classical musical, it just isn't my cup of tea. Does that make me a fat redneck? No. I can quote from Shakespeare and Dusty Rhodes. I have read Atlas Shrugged and the Fantastic Four. I DVR the American Experience and Bob's Burgers. I'm the exception to the rule.
